You never call me when you're sober
by norickayer
Summary: "Hey you hipster piece of crap, how some you never hang out with us anymore?" Kate Bishop croons into the phone about three decibels above the appropriate volume for such a call. "Just because you're an evil betraying s***lord doesn't mean you can't call once in a while." (One-shot)


_**Characters**__: Kate, Billy, Loki, Teddy, Tommy, Eli  
__**Warnings**__: underage drinking  
__**Note**__: One time a friend from college went home from winter break and got drunk with her friends. One of these friends stole her phone and left me a 5-minute voicemail rambling about how hot I apparently was. So at least Kate isn't that bad._

"Hey you hipster piece of shit, how some you never hang out with us anymore?" Kate Bishop croons into the phone about three decibels above the appropriate volume for such a call. "Just because you're an evil betraying shitlord doesn't mean you can't call once in a while."

Loki holds zir phone at arm's length and stares at it as though it will shortly combust.

"I miss your stupid, punchable face- oh wait Billy wants to talk to you."

Loki frantically pulls the phone up to zir face. "No! Wait, don't- hi Billy, how's the hero business going?"

"Oh my god, I am so sorry, I think Kate went a little overboard for Eli's 21st." In the background, Loki hears someone (possibly Teddy. At least, ze hopes it's Teddy) yelling "Is that Loki? Ask zir what sex acts ze's the patron god of! I bet it's oral."

Loki presses a hand to zir face and stifles a giddy laugh.

"I am _so sorry_," Billy groans. "Look, the team is pretty trashed right now, please don't creatively exact your vengeance on them for this drunk dial. I think they really-"

At this point a loud conversation behind Billy overtakes his voice.

"You have a supervillain on speed-dial but you can't call me once in six months?" an unfamiliar deep voice demands.

"Why would _I_ have Loki on speed-dial? That's Billy's phone," Kate answers.

"Shit, did ze hang up? Invite zir to brunch on Saturday!" Teddy calls.

"Wait is this the Loki who was on your team or the Loki who pretended to be Wanda for like months or the one who keeps trying to kill Thor?" asks a voice that sounds exactly like Billy's, except for the pronounced New Jersey accent.

"Are you still there?" Billy asks, once the noise dies down.

"Yeah," Loki answers, zir face stretched into a genuine grin. "Yeah I'm still here."

"So, uh," Billy waffles. "_Do_ you want to join us for brunch on Saturday?"

"And miss a chance to avail myself of Earth's breakfast meats? Perish the thought," Loki answers, allowing zirself to fall back on the playful dynamics of zir Young Avenger days.

"Oh. I uh- I didn't expect you to say yes. Ok. I guess I'll text you the details."

"See you then," Loki promises.

A muffled crash is heard from the other end, and the line goes dead.

"Teddy, Loki is a supervillain!" Eli enunciates clearly, perhaps assuming that the alcohol is having unique effects on Teddy's alien constitution.

Teddy shrugs his massive shoulders, unconcerned. "Yeah, but ze's a Young Avenger."

Eli stares at him. "Ze is _not_ a Young Avenger."

"Like you get a say in who we let on our team," Kate drawls. "You dropped us like a used tissue."

"So did Billy!" Eli screams. "So did _you_! Two of our friends _died_, Kate!"

"Fuck you, Eli."

"No but- wait. Wait. Ze's like Nate and Jonas!" Teddy explains, leaning heavily on Billy, who isn't handling the added weight well.

Eli raises an eyebrow.

"No but, wait. Hear me out. Loki's like Nate, right? Ze has this evil reputation and everyone expects zir to be evil but I think ze's really trying not to be. But like, ze's also like Jonas, 'cause ze died and was like, reset to factory defaults and now instead of being a creepy old guy ze's like at our stage of- of-shit, Billy?"

Billy, upon being suddenly expected to read his drunk boyfriend's mind, does his best. "Ze's developmentally our age?"

"Yeah, that."

"The Vision didn't kill people."

"Nate did."

Eli considers this. "You just like Loki's butt."

"That too," Teddy admits.


End file.
